Disappearing Act

I was rereading my most recent post, from almost six months ago, and if I had only known then how my life would change, on the very next day…..

The day after that post, I found out that was (very unexpectedly) pregnant with my third child, a “surprise.” I was terrified.

In addition to that, on that very same day, other more personal changes occurred, and everything I had planned in my life crumbled in my hands. My Plan A dissolved. We weren’t even on Plan B, or Plan C. We found ourselves on Plan Z.

Suddenly, I had to shift goals and priorities. I had to work harder to rebuild and strengthen what my husband and I readily admit was a struggling marriage. I lost individuals in my life that I loved dearly. My future, my dreams of happiness, of returning to graduate school…everything changed. Nothing was what it used to be, and it only took 24 hours.

But, you know what? Even the darkest, most terrifying storms in our life can lead to renewed ground to stand upon.

For a while, I lost myself in the tempest of that storm. I forgot who I was, where I belonged, that I mattered. I felt ashamed of past decisions, loathed myself, felt myself overcome with bitterness, hurt, and anger. I was overwhelmed. I simply didn’t feel good enough.

But, this is where I am now, after the storm….

My husband and I are making changes and accomplishing goals that we never thought we could tackle together, at least not easily. It’s a long road, but we’re taking that road step by step, solid.

I’ve learned to let go of those who treat me poorly, who don’t have my best interests at heart, who don’t love me, who hurt and use me.

I’ve embraced the third chance I’ve been given to be a mother, and I’m anxiously awaiting the birth of another wonderful daughter, and all of the cuddles, the bonding, the sweetness that a new baby will bring into our lives (I’m still not a fan of the idea of sleep deprivation, but we’ll manage).

I’ve refocused on new priorities, and have centered my life around my family and home, and less on selfish pursuits.

I am (slowly) learning to forgive myself.

I’m bonding with my children in ways I never expected as they grow and learn every day. My four year old tells me every day, “You are my friend,” and I feel so blessed, so humbled, so inadequate.

I very nearly lost myself to the disappearing act of guilt, depression, and pain, and yet, here I am, having weathered the storms in my life, still on the path, finding my way, one day at a time….

Here’s hoping I stay on said path, and that I can fully find myself again.


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