In the Hole

Prepare for a bit of a personal entry, but because I know I’m not the only one who has ever gone through this, I’m sharing this so, if you’re in a similar situation, you won’t feel so alone.

For a while, we grew behind on our bills, even more than our traditional, always-a-few-weeks late status. We had a relatively new vehicle die unexpectedly, and there were a lot of costs associated with that. Our daughter was in the hospital for a weekend with a common illness gone bad. We’ve had other medical expenses. And, add to that the fact that we often have trouble curbing our unnecessary spending (especially me), and we ended up behind on bills. We’re talking months behind.

And our creditors worked with us–to an extent. Most didn’t offer me what we really needed, and instead granted repayment plans where we needed to make double payments each month to catch up, which hit our budget. And I also followed my gut instincts and left a job due to personal stress and time constraints.

And now, amid repayment plans and my just starting a new (part time) job, we’re massively “in the hole” when it comes to money.

It’s embarrassing, really. In fact, it’s mortifying. We borrow from my in laws. We can’t get out of the gaping red hole. And I still struggle with the “I want’s” like wanting to eat out when life gets stressful, and I just don’t want to spend time slaving in the kitchen (or when I just want comfort food that I don’t have to make). Even when I feel I make an effort, something happens to put us right back into the financial mire. When my parents come into town and want to go out to lunch with us, they often end up paying because we don’t have it to spend. And that’s just bloody sad, really. I’m 30 years old, we have an income that SHOULD enable us to live a comfortable lifestyle, and Mommy and Daddy have to buy lunch.

And I know I’m not alone. And I know that making financial missteps doesn’t make me a bad person. But doggone it, I really am ready for things to change. And I’m a bit discouraged because I feel like even if I do, sometimes, it just feels impossible. I look at others and sometimes feel like I’m the only one who really can’t spend any money. And what smarts the most is knowing that 90% of this is self inflicted.

It’s a hard pill to swallow.

So, I’m sharing this for some accountability. I’m sharing this because there is no way to be self reliant when you are in debt. I’m sharing this for support, encouragement, tough love, whatever it is you want to call it. I’m sharing because this is a part of my journey.

I’m sharing because I want to climb out of the hole.


Hole (Photo credit: Anders Adermark)

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